Would YOU believe he has four PhDs? Exactly
Brilliant lampoon-artist Newt Gingrich appears to have one-upped Mitt Romney in the campaign to destroy the Republican party from within.
Romney’s subtle tactics have been a source of dry amusement to those looking forward to seeing the Grand Old Party decline past the point of no return. But so far he has limited himself to such tried and tested stereotypes as ‘Superrich-man-who-pays-fuck-all-tax’, and ‘man-who-claims-he-can-create-jobs-but-then-it-transpires-he-fired-a-shitload-of-people-in-the-past’.
These have provided knowing smiles, and general sniggering at Republican stupidity, mostly from smug Democrats too far up their own arses to realise they aren’t actually much better.
But Newt Gingrich, always the boundary pusher, has gone all-out for a more slapstick approach, playing new and unhinged characters such as ‘man-so-unremittingly-and-disgustingly-evil-that-he-fucked-over-his-wife-for-someone-else-while-she-was-sick’ and ’man-so-godawful-that-he-then-left-the-next-wife-for-someone-else-having-failed-to-get-her-to-let-him-shag-anyone-he-pleased’.
Until now his masterstroke was the superb ’man-whose-decision-to-convert-to-Catholicism-caused-the-Pope-(who-was-in-the-Hitler-Youth-for-fuck’s-sake)-to-rethink-whether-God-can-forgive-all-sins’.
Yesterday, however, saw Gingrich top all his previous efforts. Standing before a crowd in Florida, the man (who calls himself ‘Newt’ and still hasn’t managed to get the Republicans to catch-on and hang him from a tree in Alabama) announced that he intended to build a colony on the moon. Within eight years.
The moon. For the sake of all that is holy; the fucking moon.
Rapturous cheers and applause followed Gingrich’s satirical assault, and the Presidential ‘Candidate’ looked visibly shocked to have got away with it. He regained his composure moments later, but the palpable surprise had clearly wobbled him.
Speaking to serious news publication Hustler, Gingrich said “Genuinely i nearly lost it. I really thought I had gone too far. I mean, a shitting moonbase. But they just swallowed it whole. They went for it. I am not sure where to go next.”
Romney’s campaign manager said nervously ”Honestly we were totally blindsided. That was a piece of genius. We are thinking of getting Romney to up his game, you know, maybe claim, oh I don’t know; that he can personally drink a gallon of Satan’s bile-green semen without vomiting? Do you think that might work?”
Howard J. Erkingyou, Democrat-hater and Campaign Manager for President Obama, said; “what we did with Barack was play it dead straight last time, get him in on the ‘he’s-a-superman’ ticket and then gradually introduce the ‘now-watch-as-my-good-intentions-slowly-crumble’ persona. But we are in real danger of seeing enemies of the Republicans get the Presidency. I am thinking of a new campaign where Barack just goes to China and starts handing them piles of cash off the back of a truck. That ought to get even the Democrats worked up.”
But according to Political Analyst Steven Seagal, who mascarades as ‘World’s-biggest-wanker-and-shit-eating-generalissimo”, American politics has finally gone too far into self-satire.
“The problem now,” said Seagal, a Harvard Professor who manages to look like the thickest lump of pigshit ever excreted, “is that it is very hard to find anyone in the Republican or Democrat parties who isn’t actually an agent-saboteur. Unless they are a double or triple agent. No one is a straightforward supporter of anyone anymore.
“And frankly we are beginning to suspect that the entire electorate are also now using satirical personas, of the ‘raving-right-wing-nutjob’, ‘smug-liberal-dickwad’ or ’too-thick-to-care’ varieties. We as a body politic are more honeycombed with subterfuge and treachery than the British left.”
Whatever the truth, nothing this bold has been said by a Presidential candidate since passionate communist Ronald Reagan stood up and said he was going to fuck the poor back into the middle ages. Nothing was too much for Reagan in the cause of bringing down the Republicans.
“It broke his heart,” said Seagal, “But he went through with it too.”
"Would you like it on a stick?" asked Gingrich.
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