The Strangers' bar at the House of Commons on a typical quiet afternoon
Following TMB’s near-world exclusive story about the out-of-ring brawl between boxers David Haye and Dereck Chisora, we can now reveal details of another unusual fracas.
Labour MP Eric Joyce reportedly physically asaulted Conservative MP Stuart Andrew in the House of Commons Strangers’ bar, late on Wednesday night. According to a trustworthy source, Joyce, dressed in a medieval suit of armour and mounted on a milk-white steed, rode down Andrew, and stove his face in with a morning-star.
This same source revealed that, “Having imbibed much mead, brave Eric didst cry out unto his rival, Andrew, saying ‘Woebetide, sirrah! Thy words offendeth mine ear! Have at thee!’”
There is an outside chance this is not exactly how it happened, however. According to one drunken witness of the events, “Joyce, covered in blue and white facepaint, grabbed a pint glass, bit the top off with his teeth, and shouted ‘Can yer maither sew, pal? Tell her tae stitch this!’”
Whereupon Joyce reportedly leapt head-first into his rival’s face.
Yet another witness claims that Joyce was seen with the leadpiping, heading towards the Study, where Stuart Andrew was reading with his back to the door and his ears covered by mufflers, so they didn’t get cold.
John Bercow, Speaker of the House said “I am investigating one version of the events, put forward by an ex-Prime Minster, that Joyce - having had to remove his own hand with a chainsaw - found a rudimentary way of attaching said-chainsaw to his mishapen stump, thus allowing him to assault Andrew with a roaring, sawing blade of death, spilling his blood all over the floor.
“I would say it is unlikely, but then I happen to have met Mr Joyce, so I am treating it as a serious allegation.”
Pushed to disclose his source, Bercow said “The ex-Prime Minister will remain anonymous, as will his wife, with her face like the rictus grin on the skull of Death Himself.”
Tim Twanks, an unemployed pest-exterminator and Major in the Territorial Army, said “I was furious. Four years straight I’ve been watching BBC Parliament, waiting for one of the bastards to jump up and punch another one. And they go and do it in a bar, where it isn’t even televised! I was so angry I trod on my collection of mouse-skulls.
“I mean, what is the point of filming in the Commons if not to viddy a bit of the old ultra-violence? What am I paying my license fee for?”
He turned away to look at a text and said “Oh shit, quick, pull the TV plug out the socket; my mate Kev says they’ve got the detector van driving round again…”
A source close to Ed Miliband said “We are taking these allegations very seriously indeed, and will be holding our own investigation, into why Eric attacked Mr Andrew. We are not ruling out some sort of temporary mental deficiency.
“Especially given that that oleaginous little prick, Oliver Letwin, was also in the room. Why not start on him? Something’s not right.”
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