Cameron describes Balls as “fucking cunt” in Commons outburst

In a stormy Prime Minister’s Questions today, David Cameron described Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls as a “fucking cunt” who “deserves to be thrown head-first into an enormous cauldron full of raw sewage while weighed down

Cameron: “statesmanlike”

with lead ingots”.

The Prime Minister, who, as usual, arrived at the Commons on his magnificent white charger Xanthippus, said that the outburst was a response to Mr. Balls’ frequent provocation, including ten minutes at the beginning of today’s PMQs where the Shadow Chancellor stuck his tongue behind his lower lip and made “straining sounds”, while holding up a sign reading, “U R A SPASTIC LOL”.

Elderly gentlemen to play music

Ian Brown and the Stone Roses have announced their first reunion gig will be a surprise concert in Warrington this evening.

Comfy chairs have been installed on the stage at the town’s Parr Hall, from which the band will play while tucked up nice and warm with tartan rugs.

In their heyday

Audience members, many of whom faced an uphill struggle persuading the matron in the home if they could spend the evening out, are looking forward to an evening’s entertainment which will be a “proper belter”, according to one of them.

Indolent Cameron “laziest man on Earth”

It has been confirmed by prominent independent think tank, the Centre for Not Being Affiliated to the Labour Party in Any Way, that David Cameron is the world’s laziest man.

Cameron is currently jet-setting around the world, living it up at a variety of international conferences while Britain collapses into some kind of hell-hole where diseased rats will be the dominant life-form. The revelations have done no favours for him with left and right alike, who have attacked his dilettante, free-wheeling approach to his responsibilities.

This summer’s blockbusters

As a service to TMB readers, we summarise some of the films expected to draw in crowds at the multiplexes this summer – although of course we do recognise that all filmgoing experiences now devolve into the same two and half hours of rising anger as you sit in a hot dark room, eating popcorn that for some reason costs £5, having your chair repeatedly kicked by the person behind you.

The main candidates – key facts

On the eve of election day, we bring you a summary of key facts about the key main candidates for London Mayor.

TMB is grateful to Lynton Crosby for providing this information to us.

Jones: “I was in the running to be Bond”

Following revelations by housewives’ favourite Tom Jones that he very nearly secured the role of James Bond, a script has been issued by the franchise’s producers, Eon Productions, that reveals how the plot of Casino Royale would have been “tweaked” to suit Jones’s particular skills, expertise and character.

Bore da, bach, I could fair murder a slice of laver bread isnit.

In the Jones film version, rather than working for MI5, Bond is a trading standards officer working for Cardiff Council. He does, however, still possess his licence to kill.

London elections: your vote, your choice

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

Missile batteries: advice to householders

Congratulations!

As a resident of the Clement Attlee Estate, Bermondsey, you will from 2 May be sharing your immediate environment with a battery of 58 X-750 “Megadeath” Rapier missiles, being installed as part of the Olympic Games preparations by the Ministry of Defence.

We know that this exciting event will have prompted many questions in your mind, so we’re distributing this flimsy leaflet to try to allay any concerns you might have.

Tuesday is the new Monday

Theresa May, the soon-to-be-erstwhile Home Secretary, has announced her frustration at the rule of law, as thousands of lazy comics try to cobble together

Well, quite

jokes about how, “women are always getting their dates wrong, amirite fellas?”

This week’s litany of excuses and failures, dubbed an “omnishambles” by those with little originality of thought, stems from the Government failing to get its head around either a calendar, or indeed a telephone, which could at any point over the past three months have been used to call any number of stinking, odious, unaccountable Eurocrats lolling in their taxpayer-funded Jacuzzis in Strasbourg and ask them, “You know this deadline thing? When does it actually fall?”

Nation reels at new Cowell revelations

It has been revealed entirely unexpectedly today, and completely without the consent of the man himself, that Simon Cowell is an unstoppable sex machine.

Cowell, whose success with the ladies is comparable only to that of Casanova himself, has managed to bed literally millions of nubile Ukrainian models in the last eighteen hours alone.

A bashful Cowell told a gaggle of tabloid reporters, “Please, gentlemen, please. Don’t you think this is all rather sordid? Can’t a man take advantage of his impossible virility without everyone coming down on top of him?”