‘Study this exemplary script’ Cannes Jury tells women

“With my new film I have made a massive departure fom previous work, because this time the aliens are green” says Cameron.

The Morning Babel has managed to get hold of a copy of the freely available script that the Cannes Jury appended to their open letter about why female directors are rubbish.

The following is the first scene of James Cameron’s new film about life in rural England after an alien invasion, and is touted as the finest example yet of his masterful grasp of what kind of script makes a great film.

Women directors told to emulate men

Women only want it because it is shiny, and comes in a jewellery box.

At the weekend France erupted into heated debate over the absence of a single female film director in the nominations for this years Palme d’Or at Cannes. In response, the selection committee has today issued an open letter to women filmmakers, suggesting that they study the great male directors of the film fraternity.

“We of the Jury feel that by far the best thing ladies can do, when not brushing their hair or cooking a fantastic steak, is to sit down and have a look at how men make films, and then try to copy it as closely as possible,” the letter begins, adding “Sometimes women do get it right, but on the whole it is more luck than judgement, and you would be much better off trying to make films exactly how men do.”

Unfortunately though, the letter has merely stirred up more controversy.

Hairy, tattooed, seventeen-stone feminist, Beth Belcher, submitted her film about fisting amongst the female members of the merchant navy, and was furious not to be shortlisted.

Horror at Reagan Reanimation Threat

Notice how there are never any mirrors anywhere near these people?

Vampire-hunters, demon-slayers and other monster-terminating professionals united to express their terror yesterday, at the news that former Soul-scurge of the West, Ronald Reagan, could feasibly be brought back to life.

The appearance of a vial of the Unholy One’s dried blood on PFC Auctions website caused alarm, general panic, and bulk-buying of basic supplies in shops across the United States.

The rest of the world began re-opening old caches of nuclear weapons, and Heads of State installed ‘Retaliatory Strike’ apps on their smartphones.

Staines in Renaming Blunder

  

The new name trades on Staines’ famous river bank vistas

The Surrey town of Staines faced unfortunate national embarrassment this weekend, when its highly-publicised change of moniker was accused of failing to placate stigmatised residents.

The official change to Staines-upon-Thames came after years of ridicule, partly through association with fictional resident, television character Ali G.

But some residents insist councillors have missed the point.

“Yes the Ali G thing was a problem,’ said local shopkeeper, Dick Cheese, ”but mostly what annoyed us was the endless list of jokes about the fact that ‘Staines’ sounds like ’stains’. Um, the distinction makes more sense if I write it down.”

Breaking News: Brussels denies having a ‘post-Greece’ plan

“Zis sign is for show, und iss not indication ve are to put Greece in zer zee…”

In the continually unfolding tale of misery that is the Greek economy and its imminent secession from the euro, speculation has been rife that the European Commission has an ‘After Greece Crashes And Burns Strategy’.

The G8 meeting tonight will see the world’s most powerful countries get together and refuse to think that Greece might possibly default on its debts.

George Osborne said that the idea was so unthinkable that he and David Cameron “almost wet themselves laughing” when a reporter asked if they thought the impoverished economy would leave.

Nightclub closure “because of jealous retarded proles” says really good egg

 

“Say no to prolish complaints, yah?”

A nightclub frequented by aristocrats and other assorted rich twats has been forced to close down because of Political Correctness Gone Mad, according to co-owner and really really nice man, Mr Spooner.

Public, a club which was “the bestest place in the whole world to go out for the night” and “a gem, a place where you can be yourself” according to reviewers Peter Sutcliffe and Harold Shipman, was situated in the borough of Kensington and Chelsea.

Mr Spooner, a decent sport, made really fair, considered comments, which were certainly not along the lines of how able-bodied people shouldn’t have their fun curtailed by some uppity dwarf.

“We were the target of a campaign run by lesbian midgets and deformed retards with goo coming out of their mouths,” said backer Tony Scheisse.

“Front Bench; Assemble!” cries Miliband

Secret Agent and L.A.B.O.U.R Director, Ed Miliband

Ed Miliband, commander-in-chief of the left (who is nearly black and wearing an eye-patch, except that he is white and isn’t), has today unveiled a new assault team, in the battle against the galactic-hungry Tories.

As David Cameron’s Faustian pact with Thanos gives him ever more power to wreak serious spending cuts across the UK economy, Miliband has determined to gather together Earth’s Mightiest Labour Heroes, in a shadow cabinet reshuffle to end all shadow cabinet reshuffles.

Speaking from his Helicarrier Command Centre (actually his office), Miliband said to Cameron “You want to know how desperate I am? You have slashed public finance, reduced benefits, failed to extricate us from economic malaise, and are even now destroying the very fabric of the NHS with your Cosmic Cuts Cube; You Have Made Me Very Desperate.”

“Somali pirates don’t even have eye patches” say disappointed EU forces

“Not one bloody parrot in sight…”

Following a successful raid on a Somalian pirate base, Commander Fanshawe F. Fanshawe-Bagshott spoke at a press conference today, about the massive let-down his men had felt on meeting their foe, face to face.

“The lads and I,” said the reassuringly upper-class officer, “were all bloody disappointed. I promised them a bloody good smash-up with some proper salty dogs, and we got out there and there wasn’t a bloody galleon in sight.”

He shook his head, adding “I spent the whole bloody journey there in the bloody chopper bucking the fellows up with stories of doubloons and pieces of eight, parrots and cutlasses, and it’s just a bunch of disconcertingly well-organised coloured chappies with a few tatty old bloody speed-boats. Bloody washout.”

Queen to be replaced by waxwork

The Royal Wave broken down to its constituent parts in a double exposure photograph.

Following the Queen’s lacklustre performance in the House of Lords last week, it has emerged that her majesty is “Fucking sick of the whole monarchy thing”, and actively investigating a way “to avoid all future engagements. Unless they involve pie.”

According to sources at Buckingham Palace, HRH Elizabeth II has decided to requisition the waxwork that the Madame Tussauds team recently spent four months making, and whenever there is not any pie at an event, the waxwork will appear in her stead.

“Of course, when we heard about this, we were thrilled.” said Rick Head, who has specialised in doing wax bottoms, toenails and nostrils for Tussauds since 1983.

“The first thing we asked ourselves was how to achieve completely realistic movement and speech, to perfect the simulacra, so that it could perform the duties of her Royal Highness, without anyone knowing it was a model.

“Imagine our surprise when the Queen’s secretary informed us that none of that would be necessary. What she wanted, according to him, was just a plain waxwork, preferably with an incredibly bored look on its face, and maybe surreptitiously making a wanker sign with her right hand.”

Buckingham palace has not officially confirmed this aspect of the story, but a leaked memo in the queen’s own hand reads “We don’t even care if it doesn’t look much like us. The shoddier the better, really. We want everything about its very presence to show people that we couldn’t give a squirrel-sized shit about what they think.”

The sentence had an asterisk, and at the bottom of the page her Majesty had written “(a shit the size of a squirrel’s shit, that is; not a shit the size of a squirrel - which would actually be quite big, by our usual standards. We are not the Duke of Edinburgh you know.)”

The Queen’s plan to show utter disinterest for her people with the wax replacement has inspired other members of the royal family to avoid doing any work, with William and Kate proposing to send sex dolls to engagements in their stead.

These will be carted around on a sackbarrow, accompanied by a digital-recording of mooing cows.

Harry will continue to be replaced in his public appearances by the ginger twat who has been standing in for him since childhood.

Quentin Letts, an obnoxious and dangerously insane journalist, whose parents named him as an anagram of ‘Queen TNT slit’, said “I was profoundly affected by this gorgeous waxwork. My patriotic little fellow stood proudly to attention, and as I gazed at each lovingly recreated mole-hair and pimple, my emotions shifted from awe to passionate ardour, and I experienced profound jouissance.”

He sighed happily “I don’t mind admitting that I came all in my longjohns.”

The waxwork is expected to stand in for Her Majesty at all engagements after July 2012, and will also be placed in the royal bed next to Prince Philip at night.

According to the Queen’s memo “That old bugger can see to his own Johnson in bed from now on.

“Unless he brings us pie.”

Scottish government intitiative to increase consumption of meths and turpentine

It is hoped the new minimum price will cut per capita daily intake down to roughly this amount

The Scottish Nationalists have unveiled a bold strategy to get completely wankered Scotsmen off booze and back on to cheaper, more dangerous substances.

The move comes after calls from the medical profession, the police, charities, and even the alcohol industry, for a cull on the swelling numbers of unruly, pissed-up twats, who are currently destroying any chance the country has of entering the modern era.

Unveiling a new fifty pence minimum price for a unit of alcohol, Alex Salmond – whose political supremacy proves just how dire the national drink problem is – said “Och, wha’ ye dinnae ken iz the extent o’ tha trooble. Yon’ pissers iz go frae sprits an beer frae morn bin nacht. An’ they dinnae keel o’er frae long, long yeers. Iz a drrrain on tha’ cuntry’s feenance. E’en us Scoats iznae prood o’ sum’ o’ they. Tha’ ought tae shew ye quate how bad it iz noo.”