Eurovision revealed to be massive social experiment

An artist’s literal interpretation of Eurovision

It has emerged today that the Eurovision Song Contest was in fact designed to be an ongoing social experiment on the people of Europe.

Bob Kettering, who, with French penpal and colleague, Francois Toulouse, came up with the idea in the early 50s, has revealed all in the newly published book, EuroBollocks. Subtitled, Getting a Whole Continent to Act Like Twats.

On the day of this year’s cultural nadir, we offer extracts from the book.

British people can’t spell for shit

That’s much better

According too a knew survey, Britons are relying to much on auto-correct an spelling is suffering four a hole generation of Brits.

Knew research buy Mencap shows that though off the 2000 people surveyed, 76% rated there spelling as ‘farely good’ or ‘verry good’, 65% where unable too spell simple words.  The remaining 42% rated there spelling as ‘average’ oar ‘farely pour’.  Numeracy levels are thort too bee still reely hi.

Students did worse of awl with own lee 13% getting all five off the questions sett write.  The results show women too bee better spellers then man, thoughs over 65 being the bessed.

Controversial talk show host controversially causes controversy

Due to the unpleasant subject of the article, here’s a picture of something far more appealing

Television presenter and pointless individual Matthew Wright has once again courted controversy on his controversial talk show, The Wright Stuff. If you are unaware of this particular gem in British broadcast programming, this may be because it’s shown on Channel 5. And if you are unaware of Matthew Wright, well done.

Known for his thoughtful and sensitive handling of controversial issues, Wright controversially asked his viewers, just for fun, what they thought was the most offensive term to describe someone with learning difficulties. The options on offer being, “mong”, “spaz” and “retard”. This most recent controversy occurred during a debate about Rupert Murdoch’s controversial use of the word “retarded” in reference to David Cameron’s son.

Intellectual heavyweight and driver of shiny fast cars, Jeremy Clarkson points out: “What is the big deal? Oh, it’s just those PC Nazis stepping in, saying it’s ‘offensive’, and spoiling it for everyone. It was clearly just a bit fun. I know someone in a wheelchair – God, no, he’s not disabled, it’s just a broken leg, he’ll be fine in a few weeks – he thought it was hilarious. See? And the fact that only 10 people complained is clear evidence that it’s not offensive at all. It’s certainly not down to the viewers of the show being total fucking idiots.”

Murdoch: Stop buying my papers

"I'm talking about myself"

TMB is fortunate to be able to offer a slightly abridged transcript of Rupert Murdoch’s appearance at the Leveson Enquiry. Our TMB editors have picked the most salient and illuminating points, which essentially get to the heart of the issue, resulting a nuanced and balanced summary of proceedings.

All quotes are directly from the mouth of Murdoch himself, although, obviously for absolutely complete context you may need to read all 223 pages of the interviews.

 

I’ve been wrong, at great cost.

Why don’t you come to lunch on Sunday?

I’m sorry. I’m afraid. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

If you want to judge my thinking, look at the Sun. 1 

Sugar lifts Livingstone campaign

If that's not the face of someone having a really serious shit, I don't know what is

As the London Mayoral election race hots up to temperatures just in excess of zero degrees Kelvin, Lord Sugar is seeking to help guide floating voters.

Reality TV star, Alan Sugar, has urged people not to vote for Ken Livingstone in the upcoming election – an action described as “a boon” by the election team behind Livingstone himself.

“Thank the Lord!  Quite literally,” says Ken’s publicity Guru, Gary Uru. “I mean things were looking pretty shitty there for a while, what with Ken’s unerring shittiness and all, but this has really given the campaign the boost it needed.  I mean, who do you trust less: Sugar or Livingstone?  Eh? Eh?  Or Johnson, for that matter?  See, it really evens out the odds.”

Boris Johnson is reported to be “upset” at this recent turn of events.  Sources suggest that he has approached the likes of Simon Cowell and someone else of whom TMB researchers simply can’t be arsed to find out the name, to ask them to publicly write off the posh tosser, hoping to tip the balance back in his favour.

Mel Gibson in just possibly non-anti-Semitic shock

*Please see the caption in the previous article

It emerged this week that Mel Gibson may have actually made a decision based on fair-minded rationality rather than raving anti-Semitic idiocy.

A film based on the life of Judah Maccabee, revered as a great warrior of Jewish history, was put on hold by Gibson, as he claimed the screenplay by one Joe Eszterhas “lacked a sense of triumph”.

Despite claims to the contrary in an expletive-filled letter from buffoon screenwriter Eszterhas, Gibson claimed that he didn’t want to make the film based on Eszterhas’ script due to it being “substandard”. Ezsterhas in his thoughtful missive asserted that it was due to Gibson’s alleged rabid disdain for the Jewish people.

Idiot Santorum pulls out of presidential race

Mindless non-entity and semi- professional wanker, Rick Santorum has suspended his bid to be the Republican presidential candidate on the realisation that he’s a total knob.

Speaking at a press conference earlier, Santorum said, “I just woke up this morning and thought, ‘What the fuck are you doing? What are you thinking? What on earth makes you imagine that you should be president? Of the United States? You’re such a dick.’

“But that wasn’t all. I also had some pretty uncomplimentary things to say comparing myself to George Bush. So, yeah, I thought best cut my losses and pull out while I still can.”

£15 to see Big Ben? What? Oh, ok, no.

The proposed £15 charge for climbing the 334 steps of the tower containing Big Ben will now not be enforced until 2015, at the earliest, thanks to some really convincing arguments in the House of Commons.  In honour of this momentous occasion, TMB has invited leading opponent of the charges, Robert Halfon MP, to lay out his argument here on these pages.

[Disclaimer: by publishing the following article TMB in no way suggests that it endorses the opinions contained, or that the opinions actually exist in any way.]

I, like surely all other Conservatives, am proud of the fact that the tours up the clock tower are subsidised by the taxpayer.  I mean, who could seriously call themselves a Conservative if they didn’t believe in the taxpayers of the country shelling out for jollies up an old tower.  Tax is what the Conservative party is all about.   As long as it goes to something like this, and not something messy, like operations and medicine.

MPs change Wikipedia

to stop them looking like twats make themselves look good

News has emerged this week that computers in the House of Commons have been used to radically alter MPs’ entries in the online encyclopedia, Wikipedia. It is unclear whether Members, their staff, or other interested parties are those responsible, but it seems that all unsavoury information regarding a number of Members has been expunged.

In an attempt to discover the truth for ourselves, TMB here reveals the current entry for MP Nicholas Soames, to ascertain whether anything untoward is afoot.

 

Nicholas Soames: incredibly attractive man

Arthur Nicholas Winston Soames MP (born, praise be to God, 12 February 1948), known as Nicholas ‘Sexy Sexgod’ Soames, is a British Conservative Party Member of Parliament for the constituency of Mid Sussex and all-round wonderful human being. His main political interests are defence, international relations, women, rescuing cute little kittens, women and industry.

Jack Nicholson is Brazilian Criminal Revelation

Jack Nicholson: Brazilian con artist

Shocking news has emerged this week that multiple Academy Award winner, and star of such classics as Chinatown and The Shining, is in fact 41 year old fraudster Ricardo Sergio Freire de Barros.

The actor was finally apprehended this week in Recife after a massive police operation to stop the apparently aging movie star.

Numerous agencies cooperated in an international investigation which concluded in a not at all clichéd standoff situation. Witnesses report that the arrest took place amongst a rain of bullets, and cries from ‘Nicholson’ that “you’ll never take me alive!” before they finally took him alive. He was subsequently charged on numerous counts of fraudulent activity and for appearing in film with Adam Sandler.