Elderly gentlemen to play music

Ian Brown and the Stone Roses have announced their first reunion gig will be a surprise concert in Warrington this evening.

Comfy chairs have been installed on the stage at the town’s Parr Hall, from which the band will play while tucked up nice and warm with tartan rugs.

In their heyday

Audience members, many of whom faced an uphill struggle persuading the matron in the home if they could spend the evening out, are looking forward to an evening’s entertainment which will be a “proper belter”, according to one of them.

‘Study this exemplary script’ Cannes Jury tells women

“With my new film I have made a massive departure fom previous work, because this time the aliens are green” says Cameron.

The Morning Babel has managed to get hold of a copy of the freely available script that the Cannes Jury appended to their open letter about why female directors are rubbish.

The following is the first scene of James Cameron’s new film about life in rural England after an alien invasion, and is touted as the finest example yet of his masterful grasp of what kind of script makes a great film.

Women directors told to emulate men

Women only want it because it is shiny, and comes in a jewellery box.

At the weekend France erupted into heated debate over the absence of a single female film director in the nominations for this years Palme d’Or at Cannes. In response, the selection committee has today issued an open letter to women filmmakers, suggesting that they study the great male directors of the film fraternity.

“We of the Jury feel that by far the best thing ladies can do, when not brushing their hair or cooking a fantastic steak, is to sit down and have a look at how men make films, and then try to copy it as closely as possible,” the letter begins, adding “Sometimes women do get it right, but on the whole it is more luck than judgement, and you would be much better off trying to make films exactly how men do.”

Unfortunately though, the letter has merely stirred up more controversy.

Hairy, tattooed, seventeen-stone feminist, Beth Belcher, submitted her film about fisting amongst the female members of the merchant navy, and was furious not to be shortlisted.

Nightclub closure “because of jealous retarded proles” says really good egg

 

“Say no to prolish complaints, yah?”

A nightclub frequented by aristocrats and other assorted rich twats has been forced to close down because of Political Correctness Gone Mad, according to co-owner and really really nice man, Mr Spooner.

Public, a club which was “the bestest place in the whole world to go out for the night” and “a gem, a place where you can be yourself” according to reviewers Peter Sutcliffe and Harold Shipman, was situated in the borough of Kensington and Chelsea.

Mr Spooner, a decent sport, made really fair, considered comments, which were certainly not along the lines of how able-bodied people shouldn’t have their fun curtailed by some uppity dwarf.

“We were the target of a campaign run by lesbian midgets and deformed retards with goo coming out of their mouths,” said backer Tony Scheisse.

“Front Bench; Assemble!” cries Miliband

Secret Agent and L.A.B.O.U.R Director, Ed Miliband

Ed Miliband, commander-in-chief of the left (who is nearly black and wearing an eye-patch, except that he is white and isn’t), has today unveiled a new assault team, in the battle against the galactic-hungry Tories.

As David Cameron’s Faustian pact with Thanos gives him ever more power to wreak serious spending cuts across the UK economy, Miliband has determined to gather together Earth’s Mightiest Labour Heroes, in a shadow cabinet reshuffle to end all shadow cabinet reshuffles.

Speaking from his Helicarrier Command Centre (actually his office), Miliband said to Cameron “You want to know how desperate I am? You have slashed public finance, reduced benefits, failed to extricate us from economic malaise, and are even now destroying the very fabric of the NHS with your Cosmic Cuts Cube; You Have Made Me Very Desperate.”

This summer’s blockbusters

As a service to TMB readers, we summarise some of the films expected to draw in crowds at the multiplexes this summer – although of course we do recognise that all filmgoing experiences now devolve into the same two and half hours of rising anger as you sit in a hot dark room, eating popcorn that for some reason costs £5, having your chair repeatedly kicked by the person behind you.

Wanker of the Week: Brian Sewell

Nominated by: A A Milne

Nominated for: Brian is, in many ways, a brilliant thing. He is hugely entertaining, very arrogant, impossibly pompous, and hates everything unless it has quivering male buttocks. He is like an incredibly well-educated philistine. A bit like Owl, in my stories. Which is a good thing.

BUT

He pronounces ‘wank’ as ‘wornk’.

What a wornker.

Controversial talk show host controversially causes controversy

Due to the unpleasant subject of the article, here’s a picture of something far more appealing

Television presenter and pointless individual Matthew Wright has once again courted controversy on his controversial talk show, The Wright Stuff. If you are unaware of this particular gem in British broadcast programming, this may be because it’s shown on Channel 5. And if you are unaware of Matthew Wright, well done.

Known for his thoughtful and sensitive handling of controversial issues, Wright controversially asked his viewers, just for fun, what they thought was the most offensive term to describe someone with learning difficulties. The options on offer being, “mong”, “spaz” and “retard”. This most recent controversy occurred during a debate about Rupert Murdoch’s controversial use of the word “retarded” in reference to David Cameron’s son.

Intellectual heavyweight and driver of shiny fast cars, Jeremy Clarkson points out: “What is the big deal? Oh, it’s just those PC Nazis stepping in, saying it’s ‘offensive’, and spoiling it for everyone. It was clearly just a bit fun. I know someone in a wheelchair – God, no, he’s not disabled, it’s just a broken leg, he’ll be fine in a few weeks – he thought it was hilarious. See? And the fact that only 10 people complained is clear evidence that it’s not offensive at all. It’s certainly not down to the viewers of the show being total fucking idiots.”

2012 Olympics proudly continues Third Reich tradition

Coe says “The 2012 Olympics logo looks really neat against a white circle on a long banner, don’t you think?”

With the lighting of the Olympic torch in Athens today, the depressingly long summer of sport-obsessed hysteria is officially under way.

Whilst women clad in white robes kindled the torch from sunlight – Greece no longer being able to afford matches – there was an audible ‘clunk’ as everyone switched off their higher brain functions.

Minds around the globe were retuned to Basic Operational Mode, and any word with more than three syllables was officially banned from use until the autumn.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, said “Well this is really brilliant. It was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods, and as we get lots of people to run round and round Britain, with a bit of fire in a confusing relay, I like to think that Prometheus would be sitting up there weeping. Tears of joy, of course.”

“After all, what would be the point in just taking the torch straight to the Olympic stadium? Or, worse still, doing away with the whole torch-transportation thing, and lighting the cauldron with a Zippo? You might as well claim the whole thing is meaningless ceremony, given that fire is now fairly easily generated, and doesn’t have to be passed from one person to another, like some precious and rare commodity.”*

Jones: “I was in the running to be Bond”

Following revelations by housewives’ favourite Tom Jones that he very nearly secured the role of James Bond, a script has been issued by the franchise’s producers, Eon Productions, that reveals how the plot of Casino Royale would have been “tweaked” to suit Jones’s particular skills, expertise and character.

Bore da, bach, I could fair murder a slice of laver bread isnit.

In the Jones film version, rather than working for MI5, Bond is a trading standards officer working for Cardiff Council. He does, however, still possess his licence to kill.