BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, ”MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

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TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.

Six month old news about bread is “most read” article on BBC News website

In what is understood to be news harbouring the breaking of the sixth seal, an article about bread nomenclature on the BBC News website – which relates to an incident that occurred more than six months ago – is perceived as the most important, relevant and interesting thing to British users of that website, who presumably number in their tens of millions.

The article received significantly more page views than news about a UN

That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I love your tiger feet

debate on the response to a vicious Government crackdown on rebel-controlled areas of Damascus, the death of dozens of people in central and eastern Europe as temperatures plunged below freezing, the sinking of a ship in Turkey with the suspected loss of ten lives and a weird story about a “self-steering bullet”.

Fishy tails as Scottish Salmon takes up the rod

The Scottish Salmon, known throughout the UK for its unusually chunky flesh, truculent attitude and homing instincts, has once again dominated the news this week, as Scottish fisheries make claims of national superiority and unveil a new marketing policy that will prevent the control of the fish industry by posh restaurants in Westminster.

The Salmon, a fish of the family ‘Salmonidae’, is distinctive for being unsusually fat about the gills and incredibly brash and loud – as discovered by underwater sonic researchers, who have confirmed other salmon have no idea what the Scots variant is banging on about. It is rumoured amongst restaurateurs in London that the purpose of the campaign for self-control of the Salmon fish stock stems in part from the Salmon’s sense of deep unease about the disregard in which it is held by the rest of the world’s cultured fisheries.