BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, ”MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

***

TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.

BREAKING NEWS: God in the dock?

The Lord God Almighty has found Himself the target of a vast array of lawsuits this evening, after tabloid newspapers explained that footballer Fabrice Muamba had been miraculously resurrected after his cardiac arrest last Saturday.

Many of the families of the 1200 or so other people who have had heart attacks since Saturday, but who died without subsequently being miraculously brought back, are formally accusing God of rank favouritism.

“The fact that the Lord is a huge Bolton Wanderers fan is simply no excuse,” said lawyer Penelope Pitstopovic “I am representing just a few of the many families angered by the way sport has been allowed to stray into religion. We want justice. Failing that, we want a lot of money.”

Meanwhile the UK’s most popular man, Andrew Lansley, said “What? God did it? That’s just great! All we need to do is re-categorise all of the population who are sick as Bolton Wanderers players, and leave it up to the Lord! This could save us a lot of money. I knew we didn’t need the NHS…”

 

Old people “smell of pee and talk too much” says Royal College of Nursing

"Some of our nurses aren't even white! If you'll take my advice hide your valuables in your nappy..." said elderly patient, Mr M Campbell

Research carried out by the Royal College of Nursing indicates that care for the elderly is constantly stymied by the fact that they “Poop, piss and prattle on with mind-numbing frequency.” 

If the findings of this research are a fair representation of the industry as a whole, about 107% of the union’s 400,000 nurses really can’t be arsed to deal with the constant streams of words and cabbage-based sewage.

Cameron to tackle Drinking Culture

"Who's up for getting really c*nted at the boozer afterwards?"

The Conservative-led government has announced its determination to end the dangerous culture of binge-drinking, which it says is costing the NHS 2.7bn a year, with indirect costs spread across the UK economy and society.

According to sources close to the Prime Minister, David Cameron is expected to announce today that “The binge-drinking of high-ranking members of government, backbenchers, and councillors must come to an end.”

Workshy council workers “take millions of days off on sickies”

The guardians of all that is right and proper in the world, the TaxPayers’ Alliance, have drawn everyone’s attention to the fact that greedy, grasping local authority employees in London are taking huge amounts of time off on sick leave per year.

Council workers across London take a staggering 800,000 days off on sick EVERY YEAR, according to research carried out by FirstCare.

Don't like that top much, Sophie

FirstCare are a company that makes their money by selling “absence management solutions” to councils. When challenged by no-one – not least the Evening Standard, who reprinted their press release almost unamended, and who strangely neglected to mention this rather important fact about the organisation carrying out the research – about whether this was just a cynical attempt to scare councils into giving them a nice wodge of money for their “consultancy services”, a spokesman said, “Good heavens! I have no idea what you’re talking about. No, this is an entirely altruistic piece of work we are carrying out completely independently of our marketing activities.”

 

Problems with your melons?

Today the brilliant website of the Daily Mail has once again raked over the story of how French-produced breast implants are dangerous and prone to fail, in an article which it has tastefully bordered with about 300,000 photographs of celebrities’ cleavages.

The “continually emerging” story of how a French manufacturer of silicone breast implants has been using low-grade material with a higher risk of bursting, has got everyone up and down the country thinking about tits this morning – even more than usual. It is definitely not just an excuse to write about breasts over and over and over.

The impact on the country at large has been as enormous as a great heaving pair of bosoms under a wet t-shirt. Some women have been nervously holding their milk bags, and wondering what ruptured silicone feels like through a layer of human flesh, whilst men have been getting incredibly excited by how many times the word ‘breast’ is appearing in an article they can legitimately read at work.