‘Study this exemplary script’ Cannes Jury tells women

“With my new film I have made a massive departure fom previous work, because this time the aliens are green” says Cameron.

The Morning Babel has managed to get hold of a copy of the freely available script that the Cannes Jury appended to their open letter about why female directors are rubbish.

The following is the first scene of James Cameron’s new film about life in rural England after an alien invasion, and is touted as the finest example yet of his masterful grasp of what kind of script makes a great film.

Women directors told to emulate men

Women only want it because it is shiny, and comes in a jewellery box.

At the weekend France erupted into heated debate over the absence of a single female film director in the nominations for this years Palme d’Or at Cannes. In response, the selection committee has today issued an open letter to women filmmakers, suggesting that they study the great male directors of the film fraternity.

“We of the Jury feel that by far the best thing ladies can do, when not brushing their hair or cooking a fantastic steak, is to sit down and have a look at how men make films, and then try to copy it as closely as possible,” the letter begins, adding “Sometimes women do get it right, but on the whole it is more luck than judgement, and you would be much better off trying to make films exactly how men do.”

Unfortunately though, the letter has merely stirred up more controversy.

Hairy, tattooed, seventeen-stone feminist, Beth Belcher, submitted her film about fisting amongst the female members of the merchant navy, and was furious not to be shortlisted.

Horror at Reagan Reanimation Threat

Notice how there are never any mirrors anywhere near these people?

Vampire-hunters, demon-slayers and other monster-terminating professionals united to express their terror yesterday, at the news that former Soul-scurge of the West, Ronald Reagan, could feasibly be brought back to life.

The appearance of a vial of the Unholy One’s dried blood on PFC Auctions website caused alarm, general panic, and bulk-buying of basic supplies in shops across the United States.

The rest of the world began re-opening old caches of nuclear weapons, and Heads of State installed ‘Retaliatory Strike’ apps on their smartphones.

“Somali pirates don’t even have eye patches” say disappointed EU forces

“Not one bloody parrot in sight…”

Following a successful raid on a Somalian pirate base, Commander Fanshawe F. Fanshawe-Bagshott spoke at a press conference today, about the massive let-down his men had felt on meeting their foe, face to face.

“The lads and I,” said the reassuringly upper-class officer, “were all bloody disappointed. I promised them a bloody good smash-up with some proper salty dogs, and we got out there and there wasn’t a bloody galleon in sight.”

He shook his head, adding “I spent the whole bloody journey there in the bloody chopper bucking the fellows up with stories of doubloons and pieces of eight, parrots and cutlasses, and it’s just a bunch of disconcertingly well-organised coloured chappies with a few tatty old bloody speed-boats. Bloody washout.”

Queen to be replaced by waxwork

The Royal Wave broken down to its constituent parts in a double exposure photograph.

Following the Queen’s lacklustre performance in the House of Lords last week, it has emerged that her majesty is “Fucking sick of the whole monarchy thing”, and actively investigating a way “to avoid all future engagements. Unless they involve pie.”

According to sources at Buckingham Palace, HRH Elizabeth II has decided to requisition the waxwork that the Madame Tussauds team recently spent four months making, and whenever there is not any pie at an event, the waxwork will appear in her stead.

“Of course, when we heard about this, we were thrilled.” said Rick Head, who has specialised in doing wax bottoms, toenails and nostrils for Tussauds since 1983.

“The first thing we asked ourselves was how to achieve completely realistic movement and speech, to perfect the simulacra, so that it could perform the duties of her Royal Highness, without anyone knowing it was a model.

“Imagine our surprise when the Queen’s secretary informed us that none of that would be necessary. What she wanted, according to him, was just a plain waxwork, preferably with an incredibly bored look on its face, and maybe surreptitiously making a wanker sign with her right hand.”

Buckingham palace has not officially confirmed this aspect of the story, but a leaked memo in the queen’s own hand reads “We don’t even care if it doesn’t look much like us. The shoddier the better, really. We want everything about its very presence to show people that we couldn’t give a squirrel-sized shit about what they think.”

The sentence had an asterisk, and at the bottom of the page her Majesty had written “(a shit the size of a squirrel’s shit, that is; not a shit the size of a squirrel - which would actually be quite big, by our usual standards. We are not the Duke of Edinburgh you know.)”

The Queen’s plan to show utter disinterest for her people with the wax replacement has inspired other members of the royal family to avoid doing any work, with William and Kate proposing to send sex dolls to engagements in their stead.

These will be carted around on a sackbarrow, accompanied by a digital-recording of mooing cows.

Harry will continue to be replaced in his public appearances by the ginger twat who has been standing in for him since childhood.

Quentin Letts, an obnoxious and dangerously insane journalist, whose parents named him as an anagram of ‘Queen TNT slit’, said “I was profoundly affected by this gorgeous waxwork. My patriotic little fellow stood proudly to attention, and as I gazed at each lovingly recreated mole-hair and pimple, my emotions shifted from awe to passionate ardour, and I experienced profound jouissance.”

He sighed happily “I don’t mind admitting that I came all in my longjohns.”

The waxwork is expected to stand in for Her Majesty at all engagements after July 2012, and will also be placed in the royal bed next to Prince Philip at night.

According to the Queen’s memo “That old bugger can see to his own Johnson in bed from now on.

“Unless he brings us pie.”

Rebekah Brooks flatly denies being entertained by George Osborne

Not only a worshipper of the Great Satan Murdoch, but sinfully dull as well

Media Queen of the Damned, and Succubus of the Murdoch clan, Rebekah Brooks, has today vehemently rejected claims that she was entertained by George Osborne at his country residence.

Information gleaned by the unbelievably boring Leveson Inquiry (now celebrating its Jubilee Year), had placed Brooks at a weekend party held by the Chancellor, at a time when the Government was considering Lord of the Underworld Rupert Murdoch’s bid to hoover up every soul at BSkyB.

“The suggestion that Osborne entertained me for a weekend is outrageous,” said a furious Brooks this morning outside her Castle of Doom, “Yes, I went to Dorneywood, and yes, I was technically a ‘guest’ of George’s, but ‘entertained’? For a whole fucking weekend?

“Have you even met him? He couldn’t remotely entertain you for five minutes, let alone forty-eight fucking hours. Once he has told you his joke about how he is going to fix the economy, and done his little routine making fun of disabled people, the unbelievable monotony sets in, and you start wishing you were on holiday with John Major.”

2012 Olympics proudly continues Third Reich tradition

Coe says “The 2012 Olympics logo looks really neat against a white circle on a long banner, don’t you think?”

With the lighting of the Olympic torch in Athens today, the depressingly long summer of sport-obsessed hysteria is officially under way.

Whilst women clad in white robes kindled the torch from sunlight – Greece no longer being able to afford matches – there was an audible ‘clunk’ as everyone switched off their higher brain functions.

Minds around the globe were retuned to Basic Operational Mode, and any word with more than three syllables was officially banned from use until the autumn.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, said “Well this is really brilliant. It was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods, and as we get lots of people to run round and round Britain, with a bit of fire in a confusing relay, I like to think that Prometheus would be sitting up there weeping. Tears of joy, of course.”

“After all, what would be the point in just taking the torch straight to the Olympic stadium? Or, worse still, doing away with the whole torch-transportation thing, and lighting the cauldron with a Zippo? You might as well claim the whole thing is meaningless ceremony, given that fire is now fairly easily generated, and doesn’t have to be passed from one person to another, like some precious and rare commodity.”*

London Mayoral Election Results

Cortiglia has vowed to re-introduce impromptu outdoor parties across the capital, celebrating traditional values.

Although counting is still going on, and the final winner will not be declared until late tonight or early tomorrow morning, the overwhelming consensus is that Carlos Cortiglia has won a resounding victory, and will, in all probability, be the next Mayor for London.

Cortiglia is extremely well qualified to serve as the figurehead for one of the most financially significant, and multiculturally successful, cities in the world, as he is of course the British National Party candidate.

The BNP has a proven track record of excellence in matters of international integration. Only this year it was revealed that Nick Griffin had established important connections with American Third Position, a party who the Ku Klux Klan describe as “extremist nutters”.

A BNP statement in February said “We are glad to announce that Nick Griffin went to the States and touched willies with the leader of American Third Position, and they had a really good chat about how darkies are basically smelly, and look like they have been bathing in poo.”

Murdoch: Stop buying my papers

"I'm talking about myself"

TMB is fortunate to be able to offer a slightly abridged transcript of Rupert Murdoch’s appearance at the Leveson Enquiry. Our TMB editors have picked the most salient and illuminating points, which essentially get to the heart of the issue, resulting a nuanced and balanced summary of proceedings.

All quotes are directly from the mouth of Murdoch himself, although, obviously for absolutely complete context you may need to read all 223 pages of the interviews.

 

I’ve been wrong, at great cost.

Why don’t you come to lunch on Sunday?

I’m sorry. I’m afraid. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

If you want to judge my thinking, look at the Sun. 1 

“Please please me like you used to” say Egyptian female corpses

Phwooaarrrrr! Be honest; who wouldn't hit that?!

Egypt may be on the cusp of passing a revolutionary piece of legislation, dealing with a thorny area of morality no government has yet dared contemplate.

As the twentieth and twenty-first centuries have brought the world ever closer to full-scale zombie apocalypse, all kinds of new codes of ethics have had to be considered: when is it ok to shoot a toddler in the face? How many times do you have to repeat your father’s name with tears in your eyes before you decapitate him with your ornamental coal-shovel? When you flee the city, is it ever ok to leave behind your annoying son, the one you pretend to love as much as your daughter, (but who really just pisses you off, and drove you to have a vasectomy)?

But so far only Egypt has tried to develop a humane, enlightened policy to consider how Z-day will affect the issue of that strongest demonstration of love and affection; sex.