2012 Olympics proudly continues Third Reich tradition

Coe says “The 2012 Olympics logo looks really neat against a white circle on a long banner, don’t you think?”

With the lighting of the Olympic torch in Athens today, the depressingly long summer of sport-obsessed hysteria is officially under way.

Whilst women clad in white robes kindled the torch from sunlight – Greece no longer being able to afford matches – there was an audible ‘clunk’ as everyone switched off their higher brain functions.

Minds around the globe were retuned to Basic Operational Mode, and any word with more than three syllables was officially banned from use until the autumn.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, said “Well this is really brilliant. It was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods, and as we get lots of people to run round and round Britain, with a bit of fire in a confusing relay, I like to think that Prometheus would be sitting up there weeping. Tears of joy, of course.”

“After all, what would be the point in just taking the torch straight to the Olympic stadium? Or, worse still, doing away with the whole torch-transportation thing, and lighting the cauldron with a Zippo? You might as well claim the whole thing is meaningless ceremony, given that fire is now fairly easily generated, and doesn’t have to be passed from one person to another, like some precious and rare commodity.”*

Presscuttings

TMB’s news briefs:

Advance purchases of Barbie dolls cancelled by men:

It seems that huge advance sales of Mattel’s Duchess of Cambridge Barbie doll have been cancelled, after purchasers realised what was actually meant by ‘dolls aimed at the adult collectors market’.

Presscuttings

TMB’s news briefs:

Fans of music “inconsolable” after Shakira survives sea-lion ‘attack’:

It has been reported that the female ‘singer’ (and frankly if we had space we would put a hell of a lot more inverted commas around that) claims she was seriously and viciously almost mauled to pieces by a sea-lion, which - to the everlasting misfortune of music - did not lay so much as a whisker on her.

Presscuttings

TMB’s news briefs:

Livingstone’s devastating assault on Miliband:

The ex-Mayor of London launched a genius back-handed assault on the Leader of the Opposition, complimenting him profoundly for being so much  like Margaret Thatcher, and noting that he, Livingstone, personally lauded politicians who are as ugly as fuck and drone on and on and on.

Miliband told comrades he was on his way round to Ken’s house after work to pay a reciprocal compliment to Livingstone with a length of two-by-four, as a way of saying thanks.