Cameron describes Balls as “fucking cunt” in Commons outburst

In a stormy Prime Minister’s Questions today, David Cameron described Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls as a “fucking cunt” who “deserves to be thrown head-first into an enormous cauldron full of raw sewage while weighed down

Cameron: “statesmanlike”

with lead ingots”.

The Prime Minister, who, as usual, arrived at the Commons on his magnificent white charger Xanthippus, said that the outburst was a response to Mr. Balls’ frequent provocation, including ten minutes at the beginning of today’s PMQs where the Shadow Chancellor stuck his tongue behind his lower lip and made “straining sounds”, while holding up a sign reading, “U R A SPASTIC LOL”.

Indolent Cameron “laziest man on Earth”

It has been confirmed by prominent independent think tank, the Centre for Not Being Affiliated to the Labour Party in Any Way, that David Cameron is the world’s laziest man.

Cameron is currently jet-setting around the world, living it up at a variety of international conferences while Britain collapses into some kind of hell-hole where diseased rats will be the dominant life-form. The revelations have done no favours for him with left and right alike, who have attacked his dilettante, free-wheeling approach to his responsibilities.

Nightclub closure “because of jealous retarded proles” says really good egg

 

“Say no to prolish complaints, yah?”

A nightclub frequented by aristocrats and other assorted rich twats has been forced to close down because of Political Correctness Gone Mad, according to co-owner and really really nice man, Mr Spooner.

Public, a club which was “the bestest place in the whole world to go out for the night” and “a gem, a place where you can be yourself” according to reviewers Peter Sutcliffe and Harold Shipman, was situated in the borough of Kensington and Chelsea.

Mr Spooner, a decent sport, made really fair, considered comments, which were certainly not along the lines of how able-bodied people shouldn’t have their fun curtailed by some uppity dwarf.

“We were the target of a campaign run by lesbian midgets and deformed retards with goo coming out of their mouths,” said backer Tony Scheisse.

“Front Bench; Assemble!” cries Miliband

Secret Agent and L.A.B.O.U.R Director, Ed Miliband

Ed Miliband, commander-in-chief of the left (who is nearly black and wearing an eye-patch, except that he is white and isn’t), has today unveiled a new assault team, in the battle against the galactic-hungry Tories.

As David Cameron’s Faustian pact with Thanos gives him ever more power to wreak serious spending cuts across the UK economy, Miliband has determined to gather together Earth’s Mightiest Labour Heroes, in a shadow cabinet reshuffle to end all shadow cabinet reshuffles.

Speaking from his Helicarrier Command Centre (actually his office), Miliband said to Cameron “You want to know how desperate I am? You have slashed public finance, reduced benefits, failed to extricate us from economic malaise, and are even now destroying the very fabric of the NHS with your Cosmic Cuts Cube; You Have Made Me Very Desperate.”

Rebekah Brooks flatly denies being entertained by George Osborne

Not only a worshipper of the Great Satan Murdoch, but sinfully dull as well

Media Queen of the Damned, and Succubus of the Murdoch clan, Rebekah Brooks, has today vehemently rejected claims that she was entertained by George Osborne at his country residence.

Information gleaned by the unbelievably boring Leveson Inquiry (now celebrating its Jubilee Year), had placed Brooks at a weekend party held by the Chancellor, at a time when the Government was considering Lord of the Underworld Rupert Murdoch’s bid to hoover up every soul at BSkyB.

“The suggestion that Osborne entertained me for a weekend is outrageous,” said a furious Brooks this morning outside her Castle of Doom, “Yes, I went to Dorneywood, and yes, I was technically a ‘guest’ of George’s, but ‘entertained’? For a whole fucking weekend?

“Have you even met him? He couldn’t remotely entertain you for five minutes, let alone forty-eight fucking hours. Once he has told you his joke about how he is going to fix the economy, and done his little routine making fun of disabled people, the unbelievable monotony sets in, and you start wishing you were on holiday with John Major.”

Cameron and Clegg: “We can work it out”

Sometimes Cameron didn’t even bother turning up to the Couples Counselling sessions…

David Cameron and Nick Clegg will publically renew their vows today, in an outdoor ceremony presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Prime Minister and his squeeze have had a rocky couple of years, and want to reaffirm their relationship in front of the press, who have so closely followed the stormy rows.

According to a leaked memo, Clegg will begin the scripted exchange, saying “David, I promise to stay by your side (or more properly, beneath you), to nurture you, to cherish you, and to honour you, with my body, and I renew my vows by re-offering my ring - somewhat red and raw though it curently is.”

London Mayoral Election Results

Cortiglia has vowed to re-introduce impromptu outdoor parties across the capital, celebrating traditional values.

Although counting is still going on, and the final winner will not be declared until late tonight or early tomorrow morning, the overwhelming consensus is that Carlos Cortiglia has won a resounding victory, and will, in all probability, be the next Mayor for London.

Cortiglia is extremely well qualified to serve as the figurehead for one of the most financially significant, and multiculturally successful, cities in the world, as he is of course the British National Party candidate.

The BNP has a proven track record of excellence in matters of international integration. Only this year it was revealed that Nick Griffin had established important connections with American Third Position, a party who the Ku Klux Klan describe as “extremist nutters”.

A BNP statement in February said “We are glad to announce that Nick Griffin went to the States and touched willies with the leader of American Third Position, and they had a really good chat about how darkies are basically smelly, and look like they have been bathing in poo.”

The main candidates – key facts

On the eve of election day, we bring you a summary of key facts about the key main candidates for London Mayor.

TMB is grateful to Lynton Crosby for providing this information to us.

London elections: your vote, your choice

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

Murdoch: Stop buying my papers

"I'm talking about myself"

TMB is fortunate to be able to offer a slightly abridged transcript of Rupert Murdoch’s appearance at the Leveson Enquiry. Our TMB editors have picked the most salient and illuminating points, which essentially get to the heart of the issue, resulting a nuanced and balanced summary of proceedings.

All quotes are directly from the mouth of Murdoch himself, although, obviously for absolutely complete context you may need to read all 223 pages of the interviews.

 

I’ve been wrong, at great cost.

Why don’t you come to lunch on Sunday?

I’m sorry. I’m afraid. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

If you want to judge my thinking, look at the Sun. 1