Nightclub closure “because of jealous retarded proles” says really good egg

 

“Say no to prolish complaints, yah?”

A nightclub frequented by aristocrats and other assorted rich twats has been forced to close down because of Political Correctness Gone Mad, according to co-owner and really really nice man, Mr Spooner.

Public, a club which was “the bestest place in the whole world to go out for the night” and “a gem, a place where you can be yourself” according to reviewers Peter Sutcliffe and Harold Shipman, was situated in the borough of Kensington and Chelsea.

Mr Spooner, a decent sport, made really fair, considered comments, which were certainly not along the lines of how able-bodied people shouldn’t have their fun curtailed by some uppity dwarf.

“We were the target of a campaign run by lesbian midgets and deformed retards with goo coming out of their mouths,” said backer Tony Scheisse.

London Mayoral Election Results

Cortiglia has vowed to re-introduce impromptu outdoor parties across the capital, celebrating traditional values.

Although counting is still going on, and the final winner will not be declared until late tonight or early tomorrow morning, the overwhelming consensus is that Carlos Cortiglia has won a resounding victory, and will, in all probability, be the next Mayor for London.

Cortiglia is extremely well qualified to serve as the figurehead for one of the most financially significant, and multiculturally successful, cities in the world, as he is of course the British National Party candidate.

The BNP has a proven track record of excellence in matters of international integration. Only this year it was revealed that Nick Griffin had established important connections with American Third Position, a party who the Ku Klux Klan describe as “extremist nutters”.

A BNP statement in February said “We are glad to announce that Nick Griffin went to the States and touched willies with the leader of American Third Position, and they had a really good chat about how darkies are basically smelly, and look like they have been bathing in poo.”

The main candidates – key facts

On the eve of election day, we bring you a summary of key facts about the key main candidates for London Mayor.

TMB is grateful to Lynton Crosby for providing this information to us.

London elections: your vote, your choice

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

Sugar lifts Livingstone campaign

If that's not the face of someone having a really serious shit, I don't know what is

As the London Mayoral election race hots up to temperatures just in excess of zero degrees Kelvin, Lord Sugar is seeking to help guide floating voters.

Reality TV star, Alan Sugar, has urged people not to vote for Ken Livingstone in the upcoming election – an action described as “a boon” by the election team behind Livingstone himself.

“Thank the Lord!  Quite literally,” says Ken’s publicity Guru, Gary Uru. “I mean things were looking pretty shitty there for a while, what with Ken’s unerring shittiness and all, but this has really given the campaign the boost it needed.  I mean, who do you trust less: Sugar or Livingstone?  Eh? Eh?  Or Johnson, for that matter?  See, it really evens out the odds.”

Boris Johnson is reported to be “upset” at this recent turn of events.  Sources suggest that he has approached the likes of Simon Cowell and someone else of whom TMB researchers simply can’t be arsed to find out the name, to ask them to publicly write off the posh tosser, hoping to tip the balance back in his favour.

“No, we’re not going to fucking Ecobuild” say harassed public sector workers

Responding to a ceaseless tide of publicity material circulated to promote last week’s Ecobuild conference in central London, the UNISON, PCS and GMB unions have issued a joint statement to the conference organisers.

“Our members would like to make it clear,” says the statement, “that no, we do not intend to go to Ecobuild. Yes, we are aware that it is going on. Yes, you have very successfully achieved ‘market penetration with potential delegates’ by putting an insert into every single fucking trade paper and magazine with even a tangential relevance to people involved in sustainable development. Yes, well done for managing to send seemingly billions of marketing e-mails on the subject on an almost hourly basis. Yes, all this has even provoked us, in darker moments, to think, ‘Hmm, maybe we should go to this Ecobuild thing, it sounds quite interesting’, only to suddenly begin to doubt our own sanity.”

“But no. No, we are not going to Ecobuild.”

“Please, fuck off.”

TMB Film: Reviews from the the leading Mayoral candidates

"The talkies" are becoming almost as popular as books or chamber music recitals

Ken: “I’ve just seen Passport to Pimlico - and it’s great!”

First we caught up with ex-Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone to ask him what film has most impressed him recently…

Shapps: “I am an egregious twat”

Grant Shapps used an appearance on this morning’s Today programme to remind the nation that he is an odious, egregious wanker with no concept of even the most basic principles of morality.

Announcing that the Government’s localism policy was in fact the exact feeble tissue of dissembling falsehood that everyone thought, Shapps used his appearance to explain a number of other ways in which every local authority in the country was now his bitch.

Livingstone in “bridge to the moon” promise

The race for London mayor is hotting up, as Ken Livingstone has announced

A pint for the person who gets this joke

his transport priorities for the next four years.

If elected as Mayor, Mr. Livingstone has pledged to step up investment in London’s transport infrastructure by:

-        Making the Underground, and London buses, free to use on a permanent basis;

-        Building eighteen new Tube lines, including direct connections to the Paris Metro system and the New York Subway;

-        Building tram lines down every single street and pathway in Greater London.

“No longer will we see Londoners’ money being wasted on expensive vanity projects,” said Livingstone, apparently without any sense of irony. “I make these absolute pledges on which the capital can judge me in 2016. Remember that when I stood for re-elected in 2004 I gave a promise that I would reduce Tube fares? True to my word, I only put them up by 9%. I think that demonstrates that I am a man to be trusted.”

Pickles to be the subject of all council prayers

The Department of Communities and Local Government has reacted strongly to a court judgment stating that sayings prayers at the start of council meetings – a fixture of the full council agenda in many authorities – will henceforth be deemed illegal.

“From now on,” said DCLG’s thrusting and dynamic Director of Local Democracy, Paul Rowsell, “prayers may only be addressed to Eric Pickles.”

The elevation of Pickles to deity status is not unexpected. Since the General Election, he has attempted to fit into this God-shaped niche by acting in a particularly capricious, Old Testament manner – spitefully punishing those who would dare to question his authority and imposing eccentric and bizarre requirements on local councillors, including injunctions not to consume shellfish, to sacrifice animals in his honour and to publish all expenditure information above £500.