Horror at Reagan Reanimation Threat

Notice how there are never any mirrors anywhere near these people?

Vampire-hunters, demon-slayers and other monster-terminating professionals united to express their terror yesterday, at the news that former Soul-scurge of the West, Ronald Reagan, could feasibly be brought back to life.

The appearance of a vial of the Unholy One’s dried blood on PFC Auctions website caused alarm, general panic, and bulk-buying of basic supplies in shops across the United States.

The rest of the world began re-opening old caches of nuclear weapons, and Heads of State installed ‘Retaliatory Strike’ apps on their smartphones.

“Drought?! We should be so lucky!” says total idiot

As a Thames Water employee sidles up to it with a hose, this cow is about to get a very nasty surprise...

With the announcement that Britain is to face three days of utter diluvian  misery whilst rain pisses incessantly from a bleak, pitiless sky, everyone has decided to take the opportunity to opine loudly about yet another thing of which they are completely ignorant.

For most people, this has taken the form of arriving at work, with soaking wet socks and shoes, and grumbling loudly to colleagues on the adjacent desks about how “We have all this rain, and yet there’s a water shortage, christ what’s the country coming to a monkey could run it better blahblahblahblah…”

Mind-meltingly inane observations have suddenly become much more important than real news, and as such most national newspapers produced Telephone Directory-thick supplements this morning, all about rain, and opinions about rain, and opinions about opinions about rain.*

Welshmen “thought penguin was a lass from Swansea”

Gwyneth Evans, MP for Aberystwyth, utterly condemns the blatant racism of this article, angrily retorting 'Qweuack, qweuack qweu qweu QWEEUUUAAACK'

Two intoxicated Welshmen who broke into an Australian theme park and abducted a penguin, have protested against prosecution charges on the grounds that they mistook the creature for a Welsh woman.

The men who have not yet been named - but are almost certainly called something like Dai Evans and Gareth Jones - are being charged with trespass, and stealing and keeping a protected animal, as well as drunken fuckwittery.

Dai and Gareth – or Hugh and Morgan, or Lewellyn and Brynn, or whatever they were called – have issued a statement, written with a thick Welsh accent, saying “We are so very sorry, see? But it didn’t half look like a beautiful lady from the valleys, see? Small, sleek, very furry and smelling of fish; we were convinced she was a flower amongst Welsh women. We said to one another ‘There’s lovely, isn’t it?’ We had no idea it was a penguin. Deary, deary me.”

“Anyway…it was coming right at me!” sniffs Juan Carlos

If you don't cull them they might take over the world...

King Juan Carlos of Spain has made a sulky apology, after  going on a luxury hunting jolly to Africa at a time when his subjects are currently enjoying an unemployment rate of almost 1 in 4.

The monarch admitted he might just have been rubbing it in a tad,  but still tried to play down accusations that he maliciously shot an elephant on his hunt in Botswana – an act which has enraged the Spanish public. Just to put that in context, this is a nation of people who like nothing better than gathering around and watching men stab angry male-cows in the head.

Juan Carlos claimed that he had got lost on the motorway in Catalonia, somehow ended up in Africa, and had then been forced to shoot a crazed elephant that was charging at him, in order to preserve his own life.

BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, ”MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

***

TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.

MPs change Wikipedia

to stop them looking like twats make themselves look good

News has emerged this week that computers in the House of Commons have been used to radically alter MPs’ entries in the online encyclopedia, Wikipedia. It is unclear whether Members, their staff, or other interested parties are those responsible, but it seems that all unsavoury information regarding a number of Members has been expunged.

In an attempt to discover the truth for ourselves, TMB here reveals the current entry for MP Nicholas Soames, to ascertain whether anything untoward is afoot.

 

Nicholas Soames: incredibly attractive man

Arthur Nicholas Winston Soames MP (born, praise be to God, 12 February 1948), known as Nicholas ‘Sexy Sexgod’ Soames, is a British Conservative Party Member of Parliament for the constituency of Mid Sussex and all-round wonderful human being. His main political interests are defence, international relations, women, rescuing cute little kittens, women and industry.

Criticism mounts on remote and unaccountable “moon”

In an apparent attempt to deflect criticism away from bankers, the newspapers, shadowy lobbyists, management consultants and the myriad other examples of endemic corruption in Western society, a group of prominent businessmen and politicians have launched a ferocious attack on the Moon, calling it “remote”, “unaccountable” and “crying out for fundamental reform”.