Eurovision revealed to be massive social experiment

An artist’s literal interpretation of Eurovision

It has emerged today that the Eurovision Song Contest was in fact designed to be an ongoing social experiment on the people of Europe.

Bob Kettering, who, with French penpal and colleague, Francois Toulouse, came up with the idea in the early 50s, has revealed all in the newly published book, EuroBollocks. Subtitled, Getting a Whole Continent to Act Like Twats.

On the day of this year’s cultural nadir, we offer extracts from the book.

Elderly gentlemen to play music

Ian Brown and the Stone Roses have announced their first reunion gig will be a surprise concert in Warrington this evening.

Comfy chairs have been installed on the stage at the town’s Parr Hall, from which the band will play while tucked up nice and warm with tartan rugs.

In their heyday

Audience members, many of whom faced an uphill struggle persuading the matron in the home if they could spend the evening out, are looking forward to an evening’s entertainment which will be a “proper belter”, according to one of them.

‘Study this exemplary script’ Cannes Jury tells women

“With my new film I have made a massive departure fom previous work, because this time the aliens are green” says Cameron.

The Morning Babel has managed to get hold of a copy of the freely available script that the Cannes Jury appended to their open letter about why female directors are rubbish.

The following is the first scene of James Cameron’s new film about life in rural England after an alien invasion, and is touted as the finest example yet of his masterful grasp of what kind of script makes a great film.

Women directors told to emulate men

Women only want it because it is shiny, and comes in a jewellery box.

At the weekend France erupted into heated debate over the absence of a single female film director in the nominations for this years Palme d’Or at Cannes. In response, the selection committee has today issued an open letter to women filmmakers, suggesting that they study the great male directors of the film fraternity.

“We of the Jury feel that by far the best thing ladies can do, when not brushing their hair or cooking a fantastic steak, is to sit down and have a look at how men make films, and then try to copy it as closely as possible,” the letter begins, adding “Sometimes women do get it right, but on the whole it is more luck than judgement, and you would be much better off trying to make films exactly how men do.”

Unfortunately though, the letter has merely stirred up more controversy.

Hairy, tattooed, seventeen-stone feminist, Beth Belcher, submitted her film about fisting amongst the female members of the merchant navy, and was furious not to be shortlisted.

British people can’t spell for shit

That’s much better

According too a knew survey, Britons are relying to much on auto-correct an spelling is suffering four a hole generation of Brits.

Knew research buy Mencap shows that though off the 2000 people surveyed, 76% rated there spelling as ‘farely good’ or ‘verry good’, 65% where unable too spell simple words.  The remaining 42% rated there spelling as ‘average’ oar ‘farely pour’.  Numeracy levels are thort too bee still reely hi.

Students did worse of awl with own lee 13% getting all five off the questions sett write.  The results show women too bee better spellers then man, thoughs over 65 being the bessed.

Horror at Reagan Reanimation Threat

Notice how there are never any mirrors anywhere near these people?

Vampire-hunters, demon-slayers and other monster-terminating professionals united to express their terror yesterday, at the news that former Soul-scurge of the West, Ronald Reagan, could feasibly be brought back to life.

The appearance of a vial of the Unholy One’s dried blood on PFC Auctions website caused alarm, general panic, and bulk-buying of basic supplies in shops across the United States.

The rest of the world began re-opening old caches of nuclear weapons, and Heads of State installed ‘Retaliatory Strike’ apps on their smartphones.

Staines in Renaming Blunder

  

The new name trades on Staines’ famous river bank vistas

The Surrey town of Staines faced unfortunate national embarrassment this weekend, when its highly-publicised change of moniker was accused of failing to placate stigmatised residents.

The official change to Staines-upon-Thames came after years of ridicule, partly through association with fictional resident, television character Ali G.

But some residents insist councillors have missed the point.

“Yes the Ali G thing was a problem,’ said local shopkeeper, Dick Cheese, ”but mostly what annoyed us was the endless list of jokes about the fact that ‘Staines’ sounds like ’stains’. Um, the distinction makes more sense if I write it down.”

Breaking News: Brussels denies having a ‘post-Greece’ plan

“Zis sign is for show, und iss not indication ve are to put Greece in zer zee…”

In the continually unfolding tale of misery that is the Greek economy and its imminent secession from the euro, speculation has been rife that the European Commission has an ‘After Greece Crashes And Burns Strategy’.

The G8 meeting tonight will see the world’s most powerful countries get together and refuse to think that Greece might possibly default on its debts.

George Osborne said that the idea was so unthinkable that he and David Cameron “almost wet themselves laughing” when a reporter asked if they thought the impoverished economy would leave.

Nightclub closure “because of jealous retarded proles” says really good egg

 

“Say no to prolish complaints, yah?”

A nightclub frequented by aristocrats and other assorted rich twats has been forced to close down because of Political Correctness Gone Mad, according to co-owner and really really nice man, Mr Spooner.

Public, a club which was “the bestest place in the whole world to go out for the night” and “a gem, a place where you can be yourself” according to reviewers Peter Sutcliffe and Harold Shipman, was situated in the borough of Kensington and Chelsea.

Mr Spooner, a decent sport, made really fair, considered comments, which were certainly not along the lines of how able-bodied people shouldn’t have their fun curtailed by some uppity dwarf.

“We were the target of a campaign run by lesbian midgets and deformed retards with goo coming out of their mouths,” said backer Tony Scheisse.

“Front Bench; Assemble!” cries Miliband

Secret Agent and L.A.B.O.U.R Director, Ed Miliband

Ed Miliband, commander-in-chief of the left (who is nearly black and wearing an eye-patch, except that he is white and isn’t), has today unveiled a new assault team, in the battle against the galactic-hungry Tories.

As David Cameron’s Faustian pact with Thanos gives him ever more power to wreak serious spending cuts across the UK economy, Miliband has determined to gather together Earth’s Mightiest Labour Heroes, in a shadow cabinet reshuffle to end all shadow cabinet reshuffles.

Speaking from his Helicarrier Command Centre (actually his office), Miliband said to Cameron “You want to know how desperate I am? You have slashed public finance, reduced benefits, failed to extricate us from economic malaise, and are even now destroying the very fabric of the NHS with your Cosmic Cuts Cube; You Have Made Me Very Desperate.”