A pint for the person who gets this joke

his transport priorities for the next four years.

If elected as Mayor, Mr. Livingstone has pledged to step up investment in London’s transport infrastructure by:

-        Making the Underground, and London buses, free to use on a permanent basis;

-        Building eighteen new Tube lines, including direct connections to the Paris Metro system and the New York Subway;

-        Building tram lines down every single street and pathway in Greater London.

“No longer will we see Londoners’ money being wasted on expensive vanity projects,” said Livingstone, apparently without any sense of irony. “I make these absolute pledges on which the capital can judge me in 2016. Remember that when I stood for re-elected in 2004 I gave a promise that I would reduce Tube fares? True to my word, I only put them up by 9%. I think that demonstrates that I am a man to be trusted.”

Livingstone, who has spent most of the time since his ousting as Mayor in 2008 sitting glumly in the West Hampstead branch of Costa Coffee, stated that he was ready to come back “all guns blazing”, pledging to inject millions of pounds of taxpayer money into dubious business ventures, cosy up to Islamic extremists and physically assault journalists just as he had done during his previous eight-year tenure.

The incumbent, Boris Johnson, has pooh-poohed Livingstone’s record as Mayor. “Let’s compare what I’ve done with what he managed to do. Under my watch, we’ve had the London Overground, the Cycle Hire scheme and cycle superhighways, not to mention massive enhancements on the Tube and the DLR. Of course, these were all things that were scoped, costed and agreed under Ken. But I didn’t cancel them. Which just goes to show how visionary I am.”

Johnson further cited his success at building six peculiar looking buses, which cost £1.5 million each, and getting rid of a lot of other buses, which apparently no-one liked and which caught on fire all the time, except they didn’t. He also pointed to his success at building a cable car between two places that nobody in their right mind would want to go to.

Standing for the Lib Dems, Brian Paddick said, “Remember me? I stood last time as well. You didn’t vote for me then, but maybe you will now, especially given how popular my party is these days.”

The usual other combination of jumped up local councillors and people too stupid to be MPs will also be standing. Electoral experts have described the field as “probably the strongest argument for a brutal technocratic dictatorship that I have seen in my professional career”.

The report also shows that people are more interested in following the progress of a tentative love affair between Miranda Hart and a shy policeman than they are in the spiraling cycle of poverty and misery besetting the people who live two doors down from them.

“To be honest,” said leading ultra-Tory MP Tobias Loony, “it all came as a bit of a surprise. We were expecting the whole thing to blow up all over the news, massive protests, huge controversy. But apart from a couple of dry reports on Newsnight and the odd mention by jolly-hockey-sticks Sarah Montague on the Today programme, nothing.”

“I put in an amendment – just for laughs – that means that councils will in future be obliged to daub the front doors of those in receipt of housing benefit with large red crosses. And it got through. Great stuff.”

The plans also incorporate another amendment by Peter Bone MP, which will require the machine-gunning of anyone with a beard. All this will come into force in twelve minutes time.

The survey further suggests that the apparent ambivalence to plans that will condemn millions to walking the streets in rags, drinking rainwater and giving handjobs to chortling bankers for pennies, is driven by the nostalgic impact that programmes such as Call the Midwife, Upstairs Downstairs and, God forbid, Downton Abbey have had on the national psyche.

“Ultimately,” said report author and social commentator Daniel Adebeyor, “people hanker after a simpler time, when people understood real manners, the poor knew their place and we had good, cathartic wars on a regular basis. The Government is simply trying to reflect this enthusiasm to return to a bygone age by removing all the hallmarks of a civilised society and returning us to a ruthlessly individualist, Victorian society where we all work at the behest of well-whiskered gentlemen in massive stovepipe hats and frock coats, while we maintaining a stolid sense of working class dignity throughout.”

“You know that bit in Threads, where they eat the decomposing corpse of a radioactive sheep that they find in a ditch? It’s going to be a bit like that, but without the glamour.”

“It’s going to be awesome.”

this has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with violence

The Uk has once again managed to fill the headlines of its godawful newspapers with phrases like “British brutes brawl (a)broad” and “Brit bruiser-boys behave badly” or even “Boxing brats’ break-out battle; backhanded blows beggar belief – both banned by boxing board berhaps?”

Mild-mannered David Haye, and the perfectly gentlemanlike Dereck Chisora, inexplicably had some sort of disagreement at a Press Conference.

The two very large, aggressive men - both trained to hit people and encouraged to think this is a very good thing - seem to have felt that their differences could only be reconciled with violence. A surprising outcome there, and no mistake!

After the fracas, both men stood around waiting for cheers, a large wadge of cash and for some sort of expensive belt to be awarded to one of them. When this was not forthcoming, they became confused and angry, and began to ask the crowd of journalists for spare change.

Boxologist Mike Ock, of the Boxology department of Slough Sewage Treatment Plant University, said “Why are you asking me about boxing? You really don’t know what boxology is, do you?”

Boxing promoter Len Pugman said “This is the sort of thing that gives the sport a bad name, when two people paid to fight get into a fight. 

“What they definitely haven’t done is intentionally created a massive media storm, guaranteeing that if they do have a professional fight people will be more interested in it than usual. This has nothing to do with that whatsoever.

“But if it happens I can probably get you some tickets, for a little sweetener?”

The Daily Mail, paragon of virtue and good reporting, appears to feel that the whole event was so epic a tale as to deserve immortalisation as some sort of tragic play on the Euripedean model. The paper published the enormously interesting transcript of the entire event online, and it is currently being pored over by Kenneth Brannah and Tom Stoppard.

Jeremy Cunt, the Hulture and Sport Secretary said “These two men should face a lifelong ban for their actions. We need to set an example; violence is absolutely not an appropriate option.

“I think that for boxers, trainers, associated industry persons, fans and the television audience of boxing, there is absolutely no blurring whatsoever of the clear separating line between the enjoyment of watching a professional sportsmanlike game, and the sordid pleasure of watching two humans try to destroy one another physically.”

An aide rushed in and whispered hurriedly into the Hulture Secretary’s ear. Mr Cunt turned pale with shock then said “And I have just been informed that one of the men threatened the other. This is appalling. So much worse than trying to pummel him into an unconscious or even vegetative state. Unforgivable.”

Ex-heavyweight champion, Gok Wan, is said to be trying to forge reconciliation, and searching for a peacable solution to the animosity and bad blood, looking for a non-violent way to bring the two men into a loving, harmonious accord.

“My plan,” said Mr Wan, “is to get both sides to come forward and have a fight to sort it all out, in an arena, getting paid a huge amount of money. Then we can put an end to this rivalry and violence.”

He looked confused for a moment then said “You know when you have those weird dreams that you’re sort of aware are happening, but actually you can’t get out of them? Those dreams where you are suddenly inexplicably doing something you don’t normally do? I have this really bizarre feeling…”

But before he could finish his sentence he was brutally attacked by heavyweight contender Susannah Constantine (of Trinny and Susannah fame), and the two fell into a grappling, whirling ball of violence. 

Christ on a bike, it makes you weep.

The contents of a private memo from Rupert Murdoch to his son, ‘Howling Mad’, have been leaked to the press today. They indicate that if the Sun is forced into closure, Murdoch intends to replace it with a new paper; ‘The News of the World on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.’

“This time it really will be the worst thing known to man.” Rupert promises.

Allegedly.

Apparently the overrated, godawful artist who painted this knew what he was talking about after all...

The ongoing apocalypse seems to be ticking along nicely and going according to schedule, with the timely appearance of the prophesied “Foul Beast descending from the Sky, which will tear apart the Sun; lo, and with its wretched bile and falsehoods will harvest the souls of its followers.”

Rupert Murdoch flew in to the UK last night, and today will pay a friendly, morale-boosting visit to the headquarters of the Sun newspaper.

The newspaper’s staff initially rent their clothes asunder, spread ash upon their foreheads, and cried out in vain, but have now resigned themselves to the inevitability of being “torn asunder in the gnashing maw of the beast. Verily; devoured by its hunger and swallowed will they be, and within its vile belly will they cry in torment, then shall they be excreted as small screaming dungballs, much like unto the droppings of an rabbit.”

The Second and Supplementary Book of Revelation - said to have been written by John the Revelator when he was even more off his tits than usual – has been bang on the money so far, with all its predictions coming to pass.

Professor McEyebrau, head of the Slough Venereal Disease Clinic’s department of theology, said “I really don’t understand why these journalists are making such a fuss, and saying they are being betrayed. It says in the Bible, quite clearly, that the followers of the foul and evil beast from the underworld would be turned upon and destroyed by their master.

“They took jobs writing drivel for a media-mogul from Australia. What did they fucking expect?”

With the continuing collapse of pretty much everything, notable apocalyptic signs of the last few weeks include; more delays than normal for commuters, higher alcohol prices, Nick Clegg, more cases of heatstroke than you’d expect for the time of year, the Royal Family revealing themselves to be Worshippers of Mammon, and - obviously - the entirety of the BBC television schedule.

One prophesied and cataclysmic event likely to take place over the next few hours is “The opening of the gates of Hull, and the pouring-forth of the maniacal, filthy residents thereof, spreading across the rest of the land like a plague.”

Alan Johnson, MP for the area, has confirmed that he remains powerless to prevent this, and warns that it is only a matter of time.

Professor McEyebrau – who, like most religious people, has spent the last three weeks wearing a t-shirt with ‘SMUG’ written on it in big letters – pointed out that the Book is so accurate, and so highly detailed in its predictions, that there is even a direct personal reference to Oliver Letwin:

“Yea, and in that awful time an oleaginous small phallus will speak unto the people saying ‘told you so’, and the people will retort that he shouldst fornicate away and expire.’”

This man also 'likes' Michael Winner, Peter Stringfellow and Oliver Letwin. "One is just trying to be helpful"

After decades of speculation, Prince Charles has finally revealed the football team he despises most in the country: Burnley FC.

In a statement the Prince veiled his ire by feigning appreciation for the team. However sources close to the Prince suggest that this is all a subtle ploy to ruin their chances of promotion. “The Prince keeps a close eye on football, but the team he follows most closely is Burnley. He hates them. I mean, really hates them. Nobody quite knows why. So, when he saw they had a chance of moving into the playoffs, maybe even getting promoted, he knew he had to make his move. So, yes, he said he liked them. He didn’t mean it.”

A spokesman for Burnley FC expressed the team’s feelings. “Well, obviously we’re shocked and saddened. I mean, we’d heard rumours, but we hoped and believed there was no actual truth in it. Although some of us had been on tenterhooks for a while, we thought we were in the clear. And then this. We just didn’t see it coming. Morale is at an all time low.”

Reports initially suggested that someone on the Burnley board of Directors didn’t understand the severity of the situation, and sent the Prince a free season ticket. However, a source close to the chairman of the club now claims that this was intended as a means of punishment, but that he could understand the confusion, “amidst all this irony”.

One gentleman, Arthur Frenulum, who preferred to remain anonymous, echoed the sentiments of many in the town. “Why us, hey? What did we do to him? To the monarchy? Ok, so we do despise them with every fibre in our collective being, but they don’t know that. And we actually had a chance! Ok, so an outside chance. And we’d have probably thrown it. But still. Fucking Prince.”

Rifts have been slowly growing between the town and the Royal Family ever since the Queen Mother said she’d had “a lovely time” there in 1958. Later, a young Prince Edward was overheard in a private conversation to say, “It is quite simply the most wonderful town in Burnley”.

There are suggestions that Prince Charles’ approach may in part have been inspired by Health Secretary Andrew Lansley’s finely-honed meta-ironic technique, with his recent comments that “the government believe in the NHS” and “we know that the NHS matters”.

Burnley is not the only town to feel the wrath of a Royal. As recently as 1983, Prince Philip issued a press release likening the entire town of Slough to “a rat-infested pit of arse”. Slough council quickly took the unprecedented measure of issuing a counter-statement, “That’s actually a perfectly fair assessment. That said, fuck you.”

If only more people prepared for a career in International Statesmanship by doing make-believe in front of a moron with a camera...

Sean Penn has today demanded that “so-called ‘Americans’ leave the continent of North America immediately.” In a scathing assault Penn claims “The continued existence of the United States enshrines imperial barbarism of the highest order.”

The anti-colonial outburst at a Press Conference this morning was addressed not only to the US government, but was, said Penn: “Also addressed to all of you fucks who claim to be ‘American’ but can’t directly trace your ancestry via an unsullied bloodline to one of the Native American tribes; you make me sick. And I am one of you. I make me sick. God, I hate you. And me. You know what? We make me sick.”

Earlier this week Penn had spoken passionately about the British “Colonial stranglehold over the Falkland Islands”, following which a surprisingly large percentage of the world’s population offered to buy the confused actor a dictionary.

“We’ll even open it at the right page, the one in the ‘c’ section…” they offered.

“What I want,” said Penn, “is for the whole world to go back to when things were good. You know, before war, and empire, and poverty, and misery, and hunting, and shoes, and those bagels I hate, and…and capitalism, man.

“Back to when things were peaceful, and people were good, and lived off the land, never taking more than they needed, but living meaningful, enriching lives in their Beverley Hills mansions with nothing but their swimming pools and vast material wealth to fall back on.

“Everyone needs to go back where they came from, speak in their original languages, and never dare set foot outside the ancient tribal boundaries laid down in peaceful and just arrangement, aeons ago by our alien overlords.”

Asked about whether settled peoples have a right to self determination - particularly in cases such as the Falklands, or indeed the US, where virtually the entire population wants to continue under its current democratic political constitution - Penn shook his head, saying, “You squares don’t understand, man.

“Let me ask you this: do flowers need self-determination? Does ‘democracy’ occur amongst the birds or the butterflies? Does a population pop? What is the sound of one hand clapping? See? All your certainties drain away as I speak, and reveal the truth to you.

“Far out, isn’t it? I am blowing your minds.”

Professor McEyebrau, of the School of Advanced Political Studies at Slough Civic Amenity Centre, said “Penn needs help. If this isn’t a cry for help then I don’t know what is. This man was married to Madonna for chrissake. Won’t someone help him? Where is the humanity?”

Penn’s words were praised by like-minded citizens everywhere, such as the remnants of the repressive military junta that launched the first Falklands war – famous for slaughtering thousands of its own citizens – and Nick Griffin, who strongly defends the not-having-of-rights of people who have lived in a place for generations.

“This isn’t about being pro-British,” said world peace amateur, nelson Mandela, ”Everyone knows Britain is a shithole, and probably the islanders themselves wish they didn’t have to come down on the British side. But it might be nice if the choice wasn’t between being patronised by the British or steamrollered out of existence by the Argentineans.”

Mandela continued “The one thing Penn got right was the madness of the British in sending an heir to the throne into a near-conflict zone. The monarchy is a pile of shit, but isn’t this sort of a bit risky? What’s that word for when someone grabs someone else, and then makes demands that have to be met before they will release them?

“Oh damn, it’s on the tip of my tongue…”

TMB’s news briefs:

Advance purchases of Barbie dolls cancelled by men:

It seems that huge advance sales of Mattel’s Duchess of Cambridge Barbie doll have been cancelled, after purchasers realised what was actually meant by ‘dolls aimed at the adult collectors market’.

Hopeful men everywhere had almost broken their fingers on their keyboards, such was the vicious speed at which they tried to input their card details. “I just hope all the…you know, the bits…are accurately modelled on hers” said one man, whose sordid soul terrified the Master of Evil, Satan himself.

But once people realised that what they were buying was perhaps only one seventh of the size they had been expecting, 93% of the pre-orders were cancelled.

Meanwhile, Randy Liberal Democrat Mike Hancock reportedly received one in advance of the April release date, and is said to be “extremely satisfied” with it.

TMB’s news briefs:

Fans of music “inconsolable” after Shakira survives sea-lion ‘attack’:

It has been reported that the female ‘singer’ (and frankly if we had space we would put a hell of a lot more inverted commas around that) claims she was seriously and viciously almost mauled to pieces by a sea-lion, which - to the everlasting misfortune of music - did not lay so much as a whisker on her.

"Who's up for getting really c*nted at the boozer afterwards?"

The Conservative-led government has announced its determination to end the dangerous culture of binge-drinking, which it says is costing the NHS 2.7bn a year, with indirect costs spread across the UK economy and society.

According to sources close to the Prime Minister, David Cameron is expected to announce today that “The binge-drinking of high-ranking members of government, backbenchers, and councillors must come to an end.”

Cameron will point to the notorious Bullingdon Club at Oxford – of which he and Conservative Mayor for London, Boris Johnson, are former members – as a prime example of irresponsible drinking and destruction of property; “Members of the club are known to have wrecked entire restaurants whilst inebriated.”

He will go on to outline how rude and unpleasant drunks become, using the example of Sheryll Murray, Tory MP for South East Cornwall, who was allegedly very offensive to a Commons Doorkeeper, who was only trying to assist her whilst she was heavily intoxicated;

“She was so drunk that she had to admit she doesn’t even remember it.”

Cameron will then explain how dangerous it is when people in positions of authority, and with significant responsibilities, are unable to perform their duties because of alcohol – with reference to the superbly appropriately named Mark Reckless;

“Who was of course famously too drunk to vote on the small matter of the utter spine-breaking ramrodding that the coalition has subsequently given to the rectum of the UK economy.”

But Cameron is expected to reserve his most aggressive reprimand for those who take pride in being seen as big drinkers, and here he will hold up a large cardboard cut-out of William Hague; “who claimed to have been a 14-pint a day man, to disguise the fact that he didn’t have much hair.”

He will finish with a reference to how this drinking culture has been handed down from previous generations, using the example of former Ministers like Alan Clark; to-date “the only MP so visibly drunk in the House as to have actually been accused of it at the despatch box.”

Cameron is expected to recommend measures such as increased police presence in hospitals (to stop any press bothering drunken Ministers), paramedics driving around looking for drunks in booze buses (or MPs’ chauffered limousines, as they are more normally called), and even ‘drunk tanks’, where boozehounds can fall asleep, safe and sound, till the morning (or the Member’s Smoking Room, Pugin’s room, or Moncrieff’s, as the House of Commons’ bars are otherwise known).

He will also propose a ‘minimum price’ for a unit of alcohol (but it is understood he mistook the word ‘minimum’ for its antonym ‘maximum’, as apparently Cameron feels the heavily-subsidised and incredibly low price of alcohol in House of Commons’ bars is still ridiculously high.)

Labour and the Lib Dems (who are of course at least as bad), will issue statements of support for the proposed changes. Apart from teetotaller Charles Kennedy, who will propose an outright ban on alcohol.

Cameron will then call on MPs to follow the moral example set by the British public in general; “who certainly are not still the gin-soused, grotesquely malformed, vomiting, fighting lushes pictured in Hogarth’s paintings…”

At which point an audible ‘pop’ will be heard across the UK, as the English language finally implodes under the weight of the hypocritical, patronising, logic-defying fuckwittery to which it has been subject since its inception.